About Me
Name: Jen

Aliases: Lovely Decadence when I'm being writerly, Kakoishii among the anime nerds

Age: 23

Gender: Female

Hobbies: Writing that novel (yeah sort of like that Brian and Stewie bit in Family Guy, don't laugh!), reading, trying to figure myself out

Currently Watching: America's Next Top Modle Allstars, Glee, Kitchen Nightmares, The Real Housewrives of Atlanta, Top Chef, Young Justice, Chihayafuru

Mood of the Week: Fed up and lost, looking for the right direction

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December 1st 10:46pm Writerly Pessimism...Screw That Noise


Looks like we're in the last stretch before the New Year or the end of the world, hopefully the former and not the later, but I guess we have 30 days to figure that out. So I escaped the microscope that is my family, but of course I had to have "the talk" with both parents about my current direction in life, which seems to always lead down the same road of medicine and health care. Can't win them all I guess. So I'm still in my writing slump, and it seems like it doesn't matter what I do, I just can't recapture that magic. I totally dropped my writing notebook on the ground Tuesday. Not horrible right? Too bad it was raining and there was about an inch of water where it fell. I was mortified to say the least. Fortunately It looked worst than what it was.The edges got pretty soaked, and as hard as the mini current tried to carry a page away I was able to pickup and none of the ink ran despite that paper being soaked through. The moral of the story: don't try and carry too many items when you also have an umbrella in hand. Also don't bring it to work, if I have no intention in writing in it. But it seems since I stopped bringing it, I've been havin the hankering to write in it. Go Figure. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, I guess. So every once in a while, not so much these days, I go on to absolute write to converse with fellow writers and feel that comaradie. Let's just say I'm not feeling the love. I get it, the writing biz is no easy business to break into. The minute someone decides to seriously take on the helm of writing they understand and accept this fact. So why is it these days on the old forums everyone and their mom feels the need to remind everyone and their mom's mom, that writing is no easy business? It's always "that won't sell," "that's not marketable," "that's too risky," can't, can't, can't, no, no, no, never, never, never, never. What a depressing mess that is. And it always comes off so arrogantly. So to all the nay-sayers, I have to say: Screw that noise! Don't ever let someone tell you that something can't be done because although exceptions aren't common, they do exist. And even if the quest for that exception doesn't pan out, you'll be a stronger writer for making the journey, keeping your chin up, and staying the course with all of your conviction and integrity intact. All the greats never let someone telling them no stop them, they all took risks, and they aren't still remembered for playing it safe. So at the end of the day don't be afraid to take that risk, ride that wave against the tide, and see where it leads. Worse case scenario, your book doesn't sell and you're no worse off than where you started becuase as a writer there is no end, you just gotta keep on keep on.

November 20th 12:24am It's Not Like We Talk That Much


Is it too early to say bah hum bug? I seem to have forgotten what holiday cheer feels like because I haven't felt it in a very long time. I never feel like going home to my family for the holidays because I always feel like I'm being placed under a microscope and being judged. Awful, sure, but it's the way I feel, and once I'm "home" there's very little to convince me that I'm crazy for thinking that, so I tend to just stay out of everyone's way until it's over. Oh well. I'm in a rotten mood again because it always feels like once I'm on that road to forgetting my ex and moving on, I get pulled back in, and I'm tired of feeling that way. It's been almost a year since we split, and of course I'm mostly over it. That old saying "breaking up is hard to do" is no joke, and I'm glad I'm not where I was a year ago, but still that old saying about how you never forget your first love is also true. He used to be my best friend, I could tell him anything, I would've did almost anything for him. To lose a support system like that is devastating, and that's what I miss the most if nothing else. I miss being able to call him and talk to him about anything. Now if I call him, I feel like I'm imposing. I don't feel like I can tell him anything anymore and things always tend to go weird in any conversation we have and I don't ever feel right about addressing it. I remember I told him about a dream I had with him in it a while back and he said something like, "that's weird, it's not even like we talk that much." Even though it was true, it kind of hurt that he said that. I mean we're broken up, of course we're not going to talk like we used to, but I guess for me the way he said it, made it sound like "it's not like we're really that close." That kind of thing is very hurtful to hear. We were together for over a year and a half, it just made it seem like all of that was nothing. Suffice to say, the conversation got weird after that and shortly after he used some excuse or another to get off the phone. It definitely didn't leave me feeling all warm and fuzzy inside, just disappointed, alone, misunderstood, and a thesaurus worth of other words. It's just off puting. I don't like how he texts me every once in a blue moon "how you been" or something like that, like some weird obligation. I'm nobody's obligation. If you can't be bothered to drop me a line more often than every couple months, then just don't bother. I get it. There's no reason to pretend to be "the nice guy" in this scenario, I really don't need that. I came to the conclusion a while ago, but it's hitting me again right now that he doesn't know how to be a friend. Or maybe it's more specific. He doesn't know how to be my friend. I've been burned a lot in friendships in the past. I don't put up any illusions about what I expect of them anymore because too often I've just been left with nothing and no one after the fact. It's okay. I've lasted this long without them. I'll be fine. So I don't need anyone to pretend for my sake. It just makes it painful in the end.

November 18th 1:54am You Also Might Like...


Ugh, my stomach is killing me. Fast food will definitely be the death of me, but it's so easy and convenient, and did I mention I don't have to cook it? Yeah I know, not a good excuse. I'm such a night owl, I should be sleeping and yet somehow I always end up wide awake at this hour and regretting it by morning. Sleep is such an addiction though. I used to joke with my ex that really great sleep was so orgasmic, it was the best thing in the world. Kidding aside though, isn't it the best feeling in the world when its saturday and your room is that cozy temperature, and you're under the covers just catching some z's and loving it? Perhaps I'm just that odd person who really loves that. So progress update on the old work in progress, I'm still trying to write myself out of the rutt. I wrote a page today, we'll see where it goes tomorrow, but I'm still looking for that right direction. It sucks though because I know where I want it to go, I'm just having trouble getting there without second guessing my self. It's sooooo frustrating. That's why I've been looking to take another read break. It's how I've been getting on with my story thus far, I'd write several pages then take a breather by reading a good YA book, then get back to the writing. Problem is I've cleaned through the majority of my Border's haul from the summer and now I've got squat to read. I mean, there's still that Pretties book, and You, If We Kissed, and Twenty Boy Summer, but there's a severe problem I'm having with all of those: With the exception of You which I managed to get almost 100 pages into, I haven't been able to get more than 10-15 pages into any of those. I'm not feeling the stories, the writing style, or any of the characters and it's totally bumming me out. I'm really trying to find that inspriation I felt when I read Lucas by Kevin Brooks back when I was 15. I absolutely loved that book, and I wanted to ride that high of inspiration for as far as it would take me which I was hoping would be another book just like it, but I never really found that. Now hear I am needing some of that inspiration, and rereading the book that I now own, just won't cut it. I want to read something within the same vein, but I have no idea how to look for something like that. I can't just look through the YA section because not all YA books are the same. It can't just be another Kevin Brooks book because as much as I love him, all of his stuff is not the same either (believe me, Being Human was not my cup of tea). I looked up Lucas on Amazon to see if there were links to books like it, but the only function Amazon has is "customer's who bought this item also bought..." and that is not a helpful funtion. It mostly just lists other books written by that same author, sometimes it might just list other YA books that are broadly similar. For instance a book that might feature a romance will lists books that customers bought that also included romances, but the main subject matter may or may not be anything similar to the story in the featured book. It's all just really frustrating. I went on to goodreads to see if maybe they had a different function, but their functions are similar to Amazon's. Very disappointing. Websites that sell books are in dire need of a function that lets buyers view books that are similar to the feature title their viewing. For instance if I go on to goodreads to buy Kevin Brook's Lucas they'll be function that lists books similar to Lucas that I might also like. It might not be 100% accurate, but it'd much appreciated for a girl searching for a needle in a haystack. Oh well, the search goes on I guess.

November 14th 8:41pm It Doesn't Have to Mean Something


So it looks like I've finally taken the initiative to get this site back up and active. After 5 years of course, but whose counting (certainly not me) I've been in a funk lately. It seems like I have my up days and my down days like I'm in some deep depression, which who knows, maybe I am. I have issues coming to terms with some things, so maybe that is what it is, some mild depression, but I don't want that to be the case. I can't think of where my story is supposed to go next, which has been entirely too frustrating. I keep telling myself I'm overthinking it, but the more I think about it, the more I feel as though I'm not thinking it through thoroughly enough. I'm wondering if there's enough conflict going on, and if I'm not just adding mundanities because I feel I have to. I don't know, I think what I'm missing is that spark. You know that thing that makes you want to write and write and write, and not stop writing until you've hit that really satisfying spot when the story advances to the next stage. I haven't felt that way while I've been writing for a while now. I've been trying to find it again though. That something that's so inspiring it makes me want to rush to write that next part of the story. I haven't found it yet though, but I've been taking up just about anything that's made me feel inclined to write something great. A good book, a good movie, I've even started watching anime again which is something I stopped doing due to dwindling interest. Perhaps I'll find it again. Or at least hope to. I really need to.

So I was looking for something to wear to bed today, I needed something long and drapey like a night gown, but of course I haven't owned anything like that since I was 12. Anyway I remember I had buried in the living room closet the old shirt my ex gave me to sleep in. I tossed it in there the day we broke up because I wanted to forget him and having it around was just too painful. Like sitting up all night eating ice cream and watching sappy chick movies while crying painful. Yes, somehow I became like that...but I digress. I found it in there after almost a year of ignoring it and I put it on, and it felt weird but at the same time it felt ok. So is it weird that I'm wearing my ex's old shirt to bed? Part of me says no, while the other part of me says it's unresolved feelings. It's probably both, but it doesn't have to mean something right?